life on the wagon

Swagsters!

I forgot to tell you about a very important event yesterday!… I bought my books for school!

Classes begin in exactly 3 weeks, and I can’t even explain to you how excited I am. This is really the start of something new for me, and for Markus for that matter. Once I’m finished, we’re really going to be on our way. Β There’s so much to be excited about. I really have this feeling that the world is ours for the taking. πŸ˜€

Nerd Alert

So, in case I haven’t mentioned it before, I’m going back to school to get a degree in Economics. This first semester back I’ll be taking two Econ classes and two Geography classes (I’ve decided to minor in Environmental Geography). I was planing to take one more class, but have recently decided to stick to four classes, as I will still be working full time. Anyway… outside of the cost, buying school books is one of my absolute favorite things in the world. I love looking at the required reading and getting a peak at what we’ll be covering over the semester. Like this gem…

*swoon*

I wish I was joking about how excited I am to dig into this book. I just find it all so fascinating and pertinent. I sincerely cannot wait! My anticipation reassures me that I’ve made a smart choice by going back to school. πŸ˜‰

But let’s get serious for a second…

I’d like to switch gears and share something with you all that I’ve kept quiet for a while. Sure, some people in my life know about this, but tonight I felt like I was ready to go public, as what began as a sad situation has transformed into a source of immense pride for me.

Swagsters, as of today, I have not had a drop of alcohol in 25 days.

Through the course of the last few years, I struggled a bit with over indulging in beverages of the alcoholic persuasion. While I wouldn’t say I was an alcoholic, I would say that I had problems with moderation when I did chose to drink. I know that there were times, many of them, that I drank alcohol as a way to cope with and escape from my life.

Over the years I’ve usually been able to catch myself before things got too out of hand, but recently, I realized that I was spending too many nights saying to myself, “Tonight is the night I prove to myself that I can drink with moderation.” And then I would proceed to get drunk. The next day I would feel ashamed, embarrassed, depressed, bloated, uncomfortable, tired and just generally ill.

25 days ago, I hit a low. 25 days ago I finally awoke to the realization that even though I enjoy the taste of wine and beer, I could no longer put it into my body. I realized that, for me, the consumption of alcohol was pure poison to my body, mind and spirit.

(Side note: This does not mean that I think no one should drink. I mean to say that I, personally, should not drink.)

The first few days after I quit, I was glad that I had done so, but I was still left with the lingering guilt, gastrointestinal discomfort and body dysmorphia that drinking brought into my life.

But then, the clouds started to lift away and the sun began shining down on me. I remember thinking for a while beforehand that I always felt like there was a cloud hanging over me, and I was beginning to think I might actually be depressed. But as the days of sobriety wore on, I finally began to realize: that cloud was laced with booze. Slowly, but surely, I started to find happiness again. My heart began opening up and I started to see the real beauty in the world around me.

This week, I have really been noticing the changes. Body dysmorphia is nearly a thing of my past. In fact, I’m growing immensely proud of my strong, healthy body. I’m reaping the benefits of my clean eating and exercise, instead of nullifying them with alcohol. (I’m starting to see abs, y’all.) I have more energy. I don’t need naps. My mood is more stable. I am able to better focus. Without the cloud of guilt and shame, my spirituality has been set free.

Today, I was truly struck with pride. 25 days ago I was as close to hating myself as I could possibly be. Yet, instead of hating myself, I chose to see the open window of opportunity. The universe was offering me a chance to make a change, and I took that opportunity.

And I am so proud of myself.

I have never felt this level of pride for something I have done. I suppose I wanted to share this all with you because it explains the place I’ve been in the past few weeks. It explains why I have spent so much time examining myself, my authenticity, my Truth, my Me-ness.

The Real Jenny is stepping up now, and showing herself.

That being said, I hope you all will stay this journey with me. I feel conflicted because I do not know what direction this blog will take. It will be transforming into it’s authentic self right alongside me. I worry that people won’t like what I say or write, but I am going to keep plugging along, in the hopes that my purpose will reveal itself.

What do you say Swagsters? Dive in with me?

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11 thoughts on “life on the wagon

  1. Wow this is awesome to read. I think it is a big point to realize where your biggest triggers are and it sounds like you did just that. I love the way you describe how you are proud of yourself, that is such an accomplishment. Congrats! This post is full of empowerment.

    • thank you so much alex! that means a lot to me. it was a very big decision for me and i’m lucky that i have people in my life (online and in person) who are so supportive and uplifting to help me through this, you included! ❀

  2. I really am so proud of you Jenny! I remember speaking with you on the phone that day about 25 days ago and feeling sad when I heard the doubt that you felt about whether or not you can do this. Pleased to see that you have proven to yourself that you can πŸ™‚ and I also appreciate the note about this post being about YOU, not everyone else. Too many bloggers don’t realize how their readers can take what they are doing and internalize it, when really everyone is his or her own person, and I appreciate you being aware of that!

    • cait, you were a huge part of helping me see that there was opportunity there, taking steps in the right direction.
      I definitely wanted to make sure that no one thought i was preaching and judging them. it’s just like my choice to be vegan, it’s a personal one that is relevant for me and me alone. it’s me honoring me and i fully recognize that other people can honor themselves and still consume!
      anyway, i just LOVE you so much. and i really am grateful for everything you’ve brought to my life. ❀

      • Aw shucks girl I’m feeling so sappy after reading that. In a good way. I can’t wait for our eventual phone date! And in person date! It shouldn’t be this long since we see each other. We are lucky enough to be close!

  3. Jenny! This is a beautiful post, and I am so excited for you! Thank you for sharing your heart, your journey, and your passion for life through written words! Your story, your accomplishments these past 25 days, and your peaceful disposition is incredibly inspiring! Keep being YOU! πŸ™‚

    • what a lovely, lovely comment. thank you so much, ashley! i’m tearing up just a bit, actually! πŸ™‚ i wouldn’t this successful without the support of this wonderful online community! ❀

  4. Your honesty is so captivating and admirable. It’s a pretty big deal opening up to the world and admitting your ‘flaws’ but whoever is reading your blog has had some serious life lessons, inspirations, and realizations handed directly to them, including me! And I truly thank you for it. Although you are not especially proud of this aspect of your life, you have moved passed it and learnt so much from it. Furthermore, all this swag you have and the STRONG, AMAZING person that you are truly makes up for any ‘mistakes/imperfections’, and then some! Going on 28 days now, I know you can keep it up, you’re a rockstar!!! And yay for going back to school in the fall! I love how excited you are!

    • Thank you thank you thank you. πŸ™‚ Your words mean a lot to me, and I am truly grateful or your support, Sarah! ❀

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