reformation

Dear Swagsters,

I, Jenny of Tofu Swag, do solemnly promise that moving forward I will blog on a regular basis. It won’t be every day. But it will be at least once a week.

There. I said it. No take backs.

In the time that I’ve been away, I’ve been doing a lot of self-work. (Read: A LOT OF YOGA.) Sometimes you just have to prioritize and make sure you’ve balanced the most important things in your life before you can spice it up with some of the other stuff. My hope is that I’m finally getting there. The beginning of autumn has been a whirlwind, and sometimes so much change can be overwhelming, especially for a girl like me (and maybe like you!).

Remember that old tv show “Out of This World”? (Hello, I’m dating myself right now.) So, if you don’t remember, it’s this girl named Evie and her dad is from outer space or something like that, and he talks to her through this glowing prism that she keeps in her bedroom. The fun thing about Evie is she has this special power where she can put her fingers together and time stops:

Source

What I’m saying is, to all things that I could do this to, I did. (Also OMG why isn’t TV this good anymore?!)

Anyway.

I missed you guys.

So I’m amidst a reformation. But really it’s more like I’m getting back to me. I have learned a big lesson this autumn and it has a lot to do with priorities, motives and honoring Me by releasing myself of “should.”

I’m going to save you the long drawn out thing, but the point I’m moving towards is that part of my struggles with maintaining this blog is that it wasn’t exactly Me. It was what I thought Me “should” be. Blech. Sustainability comes purely from your center. You can keep up a farce for a while, but when the going gets tough, you’ll lose the energy to put on a show. And that’s what happened to me.

So I have some big-ish plans for this here little bloggy. It’s all in the works and details remain to be ironed out, BUT, my sincerest hope is that what I’d like to do will come to fruition and I can begin sharing with you all a very special part of what I believe is my life’s purpose. 🙂

In the mean time, as previously stated, I promise to be a more regular presence here. So keep checking back!

See you soon!

Jenny

how to get results

Swagsters-

How many ways can I say “thank you” before I feel like you understand the depth of my gratitude?

Thank you so much, again, for all your love, well wishes and congratulations. I feel like this has all come at such an amazingly, stars-aligned time for me. I had been questioning myself as a blogger, questioning my purpose and direction, and wondering if I even had pertinent things to share. Then suddenly things seemed to explode with positivity and affirmation, and I feel so much more founded in the belief that wherever this goes, I’m on the right path. So thank you all, again, for your encouragement. I literally wouldn’t do this if it was for me alone- I seek connection, community and even companionship from this venture, and having that returned to me is outrageously affirming.

Addressing “The Question”

During my recent 15 minutes of fame, right after all the love , I received the following question several times over: “What are you doing to get those results?!” After meditating on it alone and consulting with my best/blogging friends/resources, Heather and Cait, I figured out how I felt I could best answer this inquiry.

If you’re sticking around to hear me tell you exactly what I eat, and what I do for workouts and how I devote every living, breathing minute of my day to this endeavor, then you probably don’t want to read any further, as I am not going to be telling you that.

But, why not?

The truth is, my life does not revolve around those things alone. The truth is… J’adore La Vie.

I am devoted to creating a life that I am proud of, a life that I love and a life that suits ME. I am devoted to upholding mindfulness and intuitiveness throughout my days. It’s the devotion to these things that yields me results, physically, mentally and spiritually.

What does that mean? 

It means that I eat foods that honor my body and make me feel good. It also means that when my friend comes to town, we share a tub of SoDelicious ice cream and literally almost eat the entire thing while watching Fashion Police. It means that some mornings I workout hard, and some mornings I eat breakfast first and other mornings I am gentle with myself or I skip a workout all together.

It means that sleep is a major priority in my life. Well-rested Jenny is a happy Jenny and, subsequently, a happy world around me.

It means that I meditate most days. It means that I spend time blogging and, if so inspired, I will journal. I take solace in the quiet parts of my day, reflecting or reading or just allowing myself the opportunity for aural detox. I take a minute every day to give myself praise for a job well done, big or small. I make space to give myself love.

It means that I make time for my most uplifting friends, doing things that make us feel good and proud and nurtured.

It means that I take care of the practical side of my life. I’m working on my budget and finances and trying to get myself in a more comfortable place. I’m going back to school to give myself more opportunities to find a job or a career that I love and that fulfills me.

In a nutshell, what I have done to get results in my life is to take control of my life. It is mine, and for all I know, it is the only one I get. In the grand scheme of things, we, as humans, don’t have time to waste. If you want something, tell yourself you deserve it and go after it.

Now I don’t mean that I tell myself what I “should” be doing. I mean that I check in with myself, I strive for authenticity and I do what feels good and natural.

And this, my friends, is how I get the ultimate result, to say, ” J’adore La Vie.”

J’adore La Vie is a campaign that was originally launched by (the previously linked and mentioned) Heather at For the Love of Kale. I want to be an ambassador for this campaign and I want you to join me!

I challenge you to devote your life to authenticity, peace and self-love. I challenge you to make your life yours. Eating a clean healthy diet and exercising are merely a fraction of this equation.

If you want results, tell yourself you deserve results and then go after them!

What are you devoted to in your life?
What makes you say, J’adore La Vie? (tell the world on twitter with #jadorelavie)

life on the wagon

Swagsters!

I forgot to tell you about a very important event yesterday!… I bought my books for school!

Classes begin in exactly 3 weeks, and I can’t even explain to you how excited I am. This is really the start of something new for me, and for Markus for that matter. Once I’m finished, we’re really going to be on our way.  There’s so much to be excited about. I really have this feeling that the world is ours for the taking. 😀

Nerd Alert

So, in case I haven’t mentioned it before, I’m going back to school to get a degree in Economics. This first semester back I’ll be taking two Econ classes and two Geography classes (I’ve decided to minor in Environmental Geography). I was planing to take one more class, but have recently decided to stick to four classes, as I will still be working full time. Anyway… outside of the cost, buying school books is one of my absolute favorite things in the world. I love looking at the required reading and getting a peak at what we’ll be covering over the semester. Like this gem…

*swoon*

I wish I was joking about how excited I am to dig into this book. I just find it all so fascinating and pertinent. I sincerely cannot wait! My anticipation reassures me that I’ve made a smart choice by going back to school. 😉

But let’s get serious for a second…

I’d like to switch gears and share something with you all that I’ve kept quiet for a while. Sure, some people in my life know about this, but tonight I felt like I was ready to go public, as what began as a sad situation has transformed into a source of immense pride for me.

Swagsters, as of today, I have not had a drop of alcohol in 25 days.

Through the course of the last few years, I struggled a bit with over indulging in beverages of the alcoholic persuasion. While I wouldn’t say I was an alcoholic, I would say that I had problems with moderation when I did chose to drink. I know that there were times, many of them, that I drank alcohol as a way to cope with and escape from my life.

Over the years I’ve usually been able to catch myself before things got too out of hand, but recently, I realized that I was spending too many nights saying to myself, “Tonight is the night I prove to myself that I can drink with moderation.” And then I would proceed to get drunk. The next day I would feel ashamed, embarrassed, depressed, bloated, uncomfortable, tired and just generally ill.

25 days ago, I hit a low. 25 days ago I finally awoke to the realization that even though I enjoy the taste of wine and beer, I could no longer put it into my body. I realized that, for me, the consumption of alcohol was pure poison to my body, mind and spirit.

(Side note: This does not mean that I think no one should drink. I mean to say that I, personally, should not drink.)

The first few days after I quit, I was glad that I had done so, but I was still left with the lingering guilt, gastrointestinal discomfort and body dysmorphia that drinking brought into my life.

But then, the clouds started to lift away and the sun began shining down on me. I remember thinking for a while beforehand that I always felt like there was a cloud hanging over me, and I was beginning to think I might actually be depressed. But as the days of sobriety wore on, I finally began to realize: that cloud was laced with booze. Slowly, but surely, I started to find happiness again. My heart began opening up and I started to see the real beauty in the world around me.

This week, I have really been noticing the changes. Body dysmorphia is nearly a thing of my past. In fact, I’m growing immensely proud of my strong, healthy body. I’m reaping the benefits of my clean eating and exercise, instead of nullifying them with alcohol. (I’m starting to see abs, y’all.) I have more energy. I don’t need naps. My mood is more stable. I am able to better focus. Without the cloud of guilt and shame, my spirituality has been set free.

Today, I was truly struck with pride. 25 days ago I was as close to hating myself as I could possibly be. Yet, instead of hating myself, I chose to see the open window of opportunity. The universe was offering me a chance to make a change, and I took that opportunity.

And I am so proud of myself.

I have never felt this level of pride for something I have done. I suppose I wanted to share this all with you because it explains the place I’ve been in the past few weeks. It explains why I have spent so much time examining myself, my authenticity, my Truth, my Me-ness.

The Real Jenny is stepping up now, and showing herself.

That being said, I hope you all will stay this journey with me. I feel conflicted because I do not know what direction this blog will take. It will be transforming into it’s authentic self right alongside me. I worry that people won’t like what I say or write, but I am going to keep plugging along, in the hopes that my purpose will reveal itself.

What do you say Swagsters? Dive in with me?

falling off the face of the earth

Swagsters, I hope you know I haven’t left you or forgotten you!

Life has been crazy. I just ended an 11 day streak of work. The first half it was just dandy but by the last few days, I had no energy except to work, come home, eat dinner and go to bed. I was feeling so overstimulated by the noise, people and sights around me. All I wanted after work was dead silence, not to move or even open my eyes. Yesterday I didn’t even have energy for a positive attitude, and worse yet… I didn’t want to even try to be positive. It was that bad.

Today was supposed to be day 12 of work, but I gave my shift up. Yesterday showed me that body, mind and spirit… I needed a break.

So I slept in this morning and soon I’ll be headed to Pilates class. It’s going to be a total ME day. I’ve got I restore my swag levels, ya heard?

I hope you can all forgive my absence, but know that I’ll be back tomorrow with a brand new post for you!

Lots of love and a thumbs up to greet the day!

mighty me

It’s Tuesday, and if you’re reading this you survived Monday, so HOORAY FOR EVERYONE!

My good mood and positive outlook are still with me today, as you might be able to see, even though the sun is not exactly shining today.

My morning routine was a little scrambled today, as I had an appointment to get to after taking Markus to work. So instead of going right into my morning workout, I woke up and did an 8 minute mediation before heading downstairs to breakfast. I decided I would workout after my appointment, when I had more time. Plus I had a big idea that I would go for a run today. I’ve signed up for the Rhythm Race on August 18th, so I figured I might as well prepare myself by, um, running.

My workout started with the Whistle Workout from BodyRockTV. I love this work out. It’s 16 minutes instead of 12, and those extra 4 minutes are killer.

I’ve done this workout 3 times now and I’m so glad that I started writing down my reps because today I saw some improvements I was not expecting! Check it out:

Here’s a list of the exercises. It’s 24 rounds of 10:30. (For full explanations of exercises, see the link to the video above.)

1. Surfer kick-outs
2. Alternating upright row with a twist
3. 5 high knees + 1 half burpee
4. Back lunge with kick (right)
5. Back lunge with kick (left)
6. 5 star pushups + 1 burpee
7. Ninja jump tucks
8. Exploding pushups

The first time I did this workout my reps looked like this:

1. 7/7/6
2. 15/15/15
3. 5/5/5
4. 13/14/13
5. 13/14/14
6. 2.5/2/2
7. 7/7/7
8. 8/14/13 (I ended up doing these on my knees after the first round so I could maintain form)

Now, after doing this workout 3 times over the span of a month, my reps looked like this:

1. 11/10/10
2. 15/14/15
3. 8/7/8
4. 12/13/13
5. 13/13/14
6. 2.5/2.5/2
7. 8/8/8
8. 14/12/13

I highlighted my notable improvements.  I was SO proud of myself when I saw this. It felt so good to see that my hard work is paying off. I’m getting stronger and faster. A lot of my (and most people’s) fitness adventure is kept alive on faith and trusting that changes will happen, aesthetically. That’s well and good, but sometimes we (myself included) forget about the changes in physical strength. It was a good reminder to me of what happens on the inside. Plus, having tangible results every now and again is just so inspiring! And I couldn’t not pat myself on the back. Not even my little negative voice can deny that I’ve made improvements!

After I caught my breath a bit, I hit the pavement for that aforementioned run. I have a little almost-2-mile path that I do in my neighborhood and I decided I’d go with that default run today. For not running very consistently, it went really well! I even went a little farther, since the run ends at my front door, and I wanted a chance to walk and cool down a bit.

woop woop!

Today’s been one of those days that reminds me why I actually work out. Not just to have toned muscles and a strong, healthy body. But to pat myself on the back, to build confidence. To stop and say to myself, “Wow, Jenny. That was impressive.” “Wow, Jenny. You are strong.” And to mean it. To see how hard I work and push and then see how I survive it. It becomes a metaphor for life. It’s how I get my swag and take it into my real world.

I can do anything. I am Mighty Me.

Have you done anything lately that makes you feel mighty?

Are you running any fun themed races soon? 

failure: you can do it!

Happy Monday, Swagsters!

It is a bright, sunshiney day and I’ve got a disposition to match it! Ever since I  woke up yesterday, I sort of feel like I’ve been floating around, smiling and okay with whatever comes my way.

Workout

This morning I woke up and did BodyRockTV’s Get Pumped on the Patio workout, followed by abs and finally, I rounded everything out with an 8 minute meditation. It’s all about balance! Exercise + meditation are honestly, for me, the most positive ways to start my day. Admittedly, my meditation has been sporadic, and I’ve been getting to it “when I can” so today I decided to just throw it on the end of my workouts, since I do both in the same room.

Right now I’m feeling so energetic, like I haven’t experienced in a long time. I think I was actually overwhelming Markus a bit when I took him to work this morning. He was still waking up and I was practically bouncing off the walls in the car. (If cars can have walls… you know what I mean.)

Budget Update

Okay Swagsters, I have been doing really well with my budget this week. It’s been great not going to the grocery store every day and spending money. It takes a lot of stress off my back to not feel like I’m constantly handing all my money over to various vendors. Wednesday is the first official day of my new budget system as well. I’m excited to see how things go!

Grocery day is also Wednesday, and I must admit, I’m going to be cutting it rather close. I definitely need to refine my planning a bit. I totally underestimated my veggie consumption. Don’t ask me how that happened.

Tonight I’m going to work up my meal plan for the next week and my groceries as well. This week I readjusted my budget to $50. Upon further reflection, I realized that $50 is a much more realistic number than $40, for me. And I don’t think that’s a terrible amount of money to spend at all for one week of clean, vegan eating! I ended up spending about $54 at the end, because I ran out of carrots yesterday and that’s simply not going to fly for me. Gotta have my carrots.

I caught myself thinking, “Dang, Jenny, you failed at your budget this week. You had to buy more. You didn’t do very well.” Well I let that thought go for about 5 seconds before I stopped it and said, “Hey there, Negative Voice. I’ve never done this before. I’m practicing and it’s probably going to take a few weeks to adjust. So, why don’t you just cut me some slack, okay? I’m trying, and that’s the most important thing.” (And then, in my mind, I stuck my tongue out at Negative Voice, but that’s not very mature, so let’s gloss over that fact, yeah?)

Do you ever do that to yourself? You try something new and then immediately adopt this attitude that you should be brilliant and perfect at it and shouldn’t have to need even an inch of flexibility with it because you are you and you don’t fail (where “don’t” = “are not allowed to”). I catch myself in this trap so often. It’s one of those things that goes along with having an eating disordered past. I’m not allowed to fail. Everyone else is free to do so, and I won’t even judge them for it. “No one’s perfect!” I’ll say with lots of compassion. But then I’ll turn to myself and say, “How dare you fail! That’s not acceptable! You specifically wrote on your blog what your budget was and what will they say when they see you went over?!”

What an overwhelming way to speak to myself! I’ve let it go on too long, and my goal this week is to really work on being compassionate towards myself. I work on taking power away from my negative voice, but a lot of times it’s not very compassionate. It’s almost like I roll my mind’s eye at myself and say, “Come off it, Jenny! Be positive for a change! Stop thinking this way! STOP BEING MEAN TO YOURSELF, YA BIG DUMMY.”

Oh right, because that’s toooootally being nice to me.

Yesterday I worked on readjusting my approach. When I spoke back to my negative voice, this time, I tried it differently. I brought some patience into the mix. I brought some compassion to the table. And it makes a HUGE difference. I relaxed a lot quicker when I spoke back with love instead of anger. I’m killing the Negative Voice with kindness.

Weekly Goal

So that brings me right to my personal goal for the week: stay aware, practice mindfulness and be compassionate towards myself. I do not have to be perfect and I do not have to be a harsh critic of myself. I will strive to be gentle and nurturing with myself. Because I deserve my own love.

Can you relate to my perfectionism? What do you do to combat it? 

Do you have any personal goals for yourself this week? 

How do you practice compassion towards yourself?

I have got to jet, Swagsters! Work is on the docket today and I’m at risk of running late! Have a great Monday!

the perks of sleeping soundly

I took it way easy last night. After dinner I pretty much planted myself in bed with my kindle and the rainstorms. As I previously mentioned, my friends and I have started a little book club and our first book is Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn. I’m already about 1/3 of the way through it and holy cow… I have half a mind to call out of work so I can keep reading today. I’ve been completely sucked into this. It’s so good!

comfy cozy rainstormy night

I fell asleep a little after 10 and woke up organically this morning, without an alarm at 7. My alarm had been set for 8, though, so I took the time to have a nice long wake up. I laid in bed til about 7:45 doing my morning phone-errands and listening to NPR. It was a total #jadorelavie moment.

When I got myself out of bed, I was feeling more than ready to workout. Admittedly, I’m a bit sore from yesterday’s return to weight-lifting, but not too sore. The kind of sore that benefits from moving, know what I mean? So I went with the most recent BodyRockTV workout. It was tough, but my joy of being back in my routine helped me push through.

Last night I also scored a major win. I happened to have a $25 gift card to Overstock, and I’ve really been wanting to get heavier dumbbells for my house. I only have 5lbs right now and those don’t cut it for my weight lifting needs. As much as I enjoy BodyPump classes, working out at home has spoiled me and I would just rather do it on my time instead of the gym’s schedule. So I meandered over to Overstock and scouted things out. I found a set of adjustable dumbbells that max out at 40lbs. Well that’s well more than what I need. After my gift card and using a free trial of the Club O in order to skip shipping, I was going to get these babies for $9.99. Then inspiration struck and I searched the web for Overstock coupon codes. Swagsters… I nabbed this dumbell set for $6.49! I practically feel like I’m an extreme couponer. This is the next step in ridding myself of my gym membership and saving $25 a month. Next on my home gym wishlist is an equalizer, but we’ll give it a bit more time before I invest in that. 🙂

Speaking of saving money, however, I made my budget system last night! I figured out what I need each month, each week and even each shift at work, assuming I work 5 days a week. It includes bills, rent AND my contribution to the savings Markus and I decided we need to get a new apartment in a year. It is so beyond doable and I’m really excited to get started. Hooray! I feel really empowered now, and really in control of my situation. Such a good feeling. 🙂

Having all of that figured out was a major contribution to my finally being able to sleep last night. What a relief!

Last thing before I go: a new breakfast recipe!

Banana Bread Breakfast Protein Pudding

Recently I’ve been thinking about trying to omit tofu from my morning breakfast pudding. Now don’t go thinking I’m hopping on the “soy is bad” bandwagon because I am not. I personally think it’s a crock. I love soy-based proteins and I will not shy away from them. Ever. But for the sake of diversity in my diet, I’d like to change it up and free up tofu for other meals during my day. At the same time, I like a nice, thick, creamy breakfast pudding. This yummy breakfast just sort of… happened. I was officially out of silken tofu for the week and, to keep within my budget, I don’t plan on buying more. I did a quick run through of what I had available to me and this meal was born. And it is GOOD. The full recipe is on my ReciPage and so I’ll leave the link for you right … HERE.

Well that’s it for today, my friends. I hope you all have a great Friday! I’m off to work in a bit and planning to have a nice night in with my Kindle and the Olympics Opening Ceremony!

Are you reading a book right now that you just can’t put down?

Do you workout at home or a gym? 

Do you have any fun weekend plans? Are you going to watch the Olympics? 

ballin’ on a budget

Happy Thursday, Swagsters.

I finally made it back to BodyPump this morning! It felt good to hit the weights, and I’m already feeling the work I did!

But let’s just get right to the serious stuff, guys and gals…

I need a budget.

It seems like every month I’m scrambling to get this bill, that bill, rent, etc all paid on time. It makes for an endless cycle of stress. Sometimes I get so stressed out about money that it wakes me up at night and I can’t sleep. I’m currently about 4 days into this cycle right now and let me you tell you…. this swagster needs her sleep. I’m practically non-functional today. I’m so serious about trying to get a good night’s sleep right now that I told Markus I will be sleeping in our extra bedroom tonight and when he gets home from work, just simply leave me be. You know it’s serious now.

At any rate. A big part of why I am having so much trouble sleeping is financial stress. I realize these are kind of just the times we’re all living in, but I also truly feel that I can do something about my circumstances. My job is a blessing and a curse. As a server, I have the ability to realize I need money, pick up a shift and pay a bill with 5 hours of work. Not too shabby. The problem is that I tend to take that for granted and I end up sort of flying by the seat of my pants most months. Since I don’t have a weekly “allowance” in the form of a paycheck, I struggle keeping a structured budget.

But now, this is all going to change. I was inspired by the #surviveon35 challenge I’d been seeing on twitter and through FitFluential. I also remembered a conversation that my coworker and I had a while back about the way that she budgets every month. It helps her afford lots of trips to Fenway, music festivals, etc. Now I’d love to have leisure money but my purpose right now is to SAVE. Markus and I need a new apartment and it’s never going to happen if we aren’t paying attention to our income and spending.

I took the first step yesterday by grocery shopping on a strict budget. Normally I grocery shop and spend about $60 by just haphazardly throwing things into my cart. I figure this isn’t an awful number, but the fact is, I typically end up back at the grocery store 3 or 4 more times throughout the week and usually drop about $15 to $20 each time. Okay well there is just no reason that I should need $140 in groceries for just myself in one week. Especially now that I’ve peeped all the great #surviveon35 ideas.

So this week I figured I could do my shopping on $40. I knew I already had some things around my house that I could use and I set myself to making a menu for the week. I came up with 2 or 3 options for each meal and then I made a grocery list. I put on the list only what I needed and vowed that I would not purchase anything extra.

And… I did it! I not only did it, but I had money left over! I still have about $9 to spend for the week, if I need it!

$9.33 left over!

This small feat inspired me. I can do this. I can budget, I can save and I can stop losing sleep over money. So now I’m going to put myself to actually budgeting the rest of my life, not just my groceries.

This is something I’ve never done before, and I’ll admit, it seems like a challenge. But I’m ready to take it on. In another life I would have just hoped that life would get better, easier, less expensive. However, knowing what I know now, I realize that I simply must take an active role in changing my circumstances. So wish me luck, swagsters. This is how I’ll be spending the rest of my afternoon!

For now, I’m going to leave you with some pictures and links to recipes. I can’t take credit for any of the food I made for this week, I borrowed recipes from all over the internet. As the weeks go on and I get more comfortable and knowledgeable with my budget, I’m positive I’ll branch out and work on some of my own meal ideas.

Breakfasts are going to be largely unchanged. I’ll be switching back and forth between protein pudding and protein oats.

Lunches and dinners will largely be a choice between any of the following (and maybe a few randoms in between):

Baked artichoke falafel over steamed veggies or spinach salad.

Click this link for the falafel recipe. (Note: I didn’t have all purpose flour, so I used almond meal. They still turned out fine but I assume this is why they are cookies and not balls.) 🙂

lentils and quinoa in a lemon-tahini sauce

Make this! It’s so good. Here’s the link. (Note: I’m not a fan of rice, so I used quinoa instead. Totally perfect substitution.)

sweet potato and green bean curry over cauliflower “rice”

Best lunch. Ever. Here’s the link. As for the “rice,” this is just 1/4 head of cauliflower ground up in a food processor. Done.

These 3 recipes alone make up 13 meals! That may sound to you like it’s not a lot of variety, and I’ll certainly work on finding ways to change things up a bit, but for now, this is going to work just fine for me!

What I can say for sure right now, at the beginning of my new adventure, is that I am taking control of my situation instead of wishing it away and hoping for the best. That’s a big realization for me, and I’m proud of myself for that all on it’s own! (Proud! I’m proud of myself!) Being proud of me is probably going to be a game changer. I’m not punishing myself for being bad with my money, I’m recognizing an opportunity to make a change for the better. Those are two totally different approaches to the same situation and we’ve just got to chose the one that leads us to higher swag levels. Am I right or am I right?!

Do you follow a budget? Do you have any tips for me?

pride for days

Hey hey! We’ve made it to Thursday!

Last night I worked and it was wayyyy busier than I thought it would be. But that meant more $$$ than I was expecting so that was a total bonus. After work, I went to Cuvee, a martini lounge around the corner from my work. It was my friend’s birthday, and I wanted to make sure I popped in to say hi. I sipped on water…

…a most welcome drink considering it was ridiculously muggy and humid last night, and socialized with my friends until about midnight, when Markus and I headed home.

I was exhausted!  I’m almost NEVER up that late. I think I might have actually fallen asleep before my head hit my pillow last night. Since it was such a late night, I allowed myself a lie-in this morning. I woke up close to 8:30 and decided to head straight to the coffee maker instead of to my workout room. In general, I prefer working out right when I wake up, but I knew I had time today, and it’s just another way of listening to the body when it says, “ummmm can we hold off for a couple hours, please?”

When I did make it to my workout, I was excited to get moving. Since yesterday was yoga day, that meant today was back to BodyRocking! I warmed up with this Lite workout, before hitting up this bad boy: Whistle Workout. This ended up being one of those workouts that made me want to vomit, cry, quit, runaway and never come back. But because I’m a Swagster, and we are such badmamajamas, I finished it and I felt like a champion!

right after bodyrocking… you can still see the fear of death in my eyes. 😉

sweaty shoulder blade stains after lying and panting and recovering

The rest of my day is a mixture of noms and cleaning. I’ve never been so excited to clean my apartment. All the fun visits from friends happening this weekend has me riding an anticipatory high!

After my workout and my first round of cleaning, I needed lunch!

leftovers!

I finished off the last of my refried beans with some guacamole over greens and sweet potato frites on the side. So yummy and satisfying! I’m so glad the heat wave finally broke! My body thrives on warm food and it felt good to put some in my belly!

Mid-week updates!

Let’s check-in with each other, swagsters! How are you doing this week? Have you been keeping a list of reasons you’re proud of yourself? I know it can be awkward at first if you aren’t used to it, but it’s such good practice! If you’re having trouble with this at all, allow me to share some of the things I’ve applauded myself for this week:

1. I make yummy recipes that people appreciate/want to try/have tried and love.
2. I laugh at myself for being klutzy instead of telling myself I suck.
3. I asked for what I wanted from my doctor instead of standing by while she made choices for me.
4. Even if I get off to a rough start at work, this week I’ve been able to turn my attitude around.
5. I went out with friends and stayed sober, proving to myself I am in control of my actions and I can have fun without drinking.
6. I listened to my body and adjusted my workouts appropriately.

Easy, peasy! It can be a big deal or a little deal, but all that matters is you take a moment to say, “Job well done, Self!”

Feel free to share with me in the comments any of your goals, even if it feels awkward. This is the judgement-free zone, Swagsters and if YOU’RE proud, I’M proud.

I’ve gotta wrap it up now, some more cleaning to do, laundry, my daily meditation, maybe a nap and then off to work for the night! See you tomorrow!

break down and build up

Admittedly, last week was a busy one for me, but I’m happy to finally have the time and the headspace to be back at writing here on Tofu Swag. I missed my Swagsters!

Between a fun day in the Berkshires, an outdoor concert with a great friend and celebrating Bastille Day with a fellow Francophile/Francophone, last week included a lot of fun times.

There was also a lot of  tough stuff happening last week. The fact is, friends, that things aren’t always perfect. Life isn’t always willing to just hand you what it is you want. Relationships aren’t always easy, coping isn’t always ones greatest skill and sometimes you drop your awareness for a split second. And that might be all it takes.

That’s the thing about recovery. You get kinda good at it. You might even be willing to say you’re a recovery champion (and you ARE!). But sometimes, as good as you get, life throws a curve ball that you weren’t expecting, and in your moment of confusion as to what just happened… you drop your awareness. And one part about eating disorder and anxiety disorder is that it may only take that passing moment for the disorder to find it’s opening and try to get you back.

I don’t want to go into details, that’s not really necessary, but suffice it to say that this weekend was about closing up the tiny opening that there was, and engaging in the work it takes to say NO to disordered thinking.

Things weren’t perfect but what matters is what I have taken away from it all. I could say to myself, “Jenny, you failed this weekend. You did things you shouldn’t have done. You acted in ways you shouldn’t have acted.” I could continue to punish myself.

But I refuse.

Because that is the disorder. That is not me.

Instead, I decided yesterday to be proud of myself. (You hear that, negative voice?! PROUD.)

I’m proud because I stopped disordered thinking and behavior in it’s tracks. I’m proud because I recognized that sometimes the voice of disorder is louder, but it is NEVER stronger than me. I’m proud because instead of telling myself I’m weak or that I failed, I smiled at the opportunity that has been given to me to make the necessary changes to flourish and grow. I’m proud because in the middle of all the darkness, there is always still my light and I refuse to let it be put out.

Yesterday I renewed my vow to make my life mine. I opened myself up, once more, to the good that life has to offer. This is my only life and not a second of it will ever be stolen by despair. Today I woke up feeling more hopeful than I had in a while. I was ready to smile and greet the day.

I woke up with energy I hadn’t had in days. Jenny was back. I destroyed a workout that reminded me of my inner strength and perseverance. I went to the grocery store, excited and feeling creative once again.  I discovered the courage to be honest with you all about my imperfections. I’m not outing my weaknesses, I’m applauding my strengths.

Today I was also finally able to register for classes! Yes, friends, you heard it here first (or second, because I said it on twitter earlier. hehe) I’m going back to school in the fall. I’m getting a second degree and the ball is now rolling. Changes are on the horizon and I’m walking towards the life I know I can create for myself… the life I know I deserve.

I’d like to invite you all, right now, wherever you are to repeat this mantra: I WILL MAKE MY LIFE MINE.

Maybe you struggle in the same way I do, and maybe you don’t. But it never hurts to remind ourselves that we are ultimately the master’s of our destinies. We are given opportunities (from whomever or whatever you want to call it. I say the Universe, but maybe to you it’s God or Mother Nature, or Allah etc…), but it is up to us to keep our hearts, eyes, minds open to them. It is up to us to seize them.

My swag-building goal for this week is to work on my openness and my awareness. I’m going to do the following 3 things to work on that:

1. I am going to meditate every day for a minimum of 5 minutes.
2. Every night I will write down 3 things I am proud of myself for doing during the day.
3. Every morning when I wake up, I will say to myself the following: Today I will do practice awareness. I will engage in that which serves me goodness. Today I will make my life mine.

I don’t want to go to deeply into spirituality on this blog, but allow me this one thing… I don’t care what you follow or believe, but I will say this about spirituality: It saves. So this week, I’m going to tap back into my own brand of spirituality and find my way Home.

What will you do this week to build yourselves up, Swagsters? Maybe it’s more spiritual, or maybe you have some other goals? But I challenge you this week to do things that remind you how strong you are as a person and how capable you are of creating the life you deserve! I welcome comments and tweets and if you’d prefer a private conversation, I’d welcome emails as well (DM me on twitter first).

Happy Monday! It’s a great day for a fresh start!